I have been meaning to put text to paper for sometime to describe how I am feeling right now.

The last few months have been tough, emotionally. Some might think it's hormonal changes due to having a 7 month old baby but it goes far beyond that, and much of the emotion felt, remains part of the grieving process with my mind and body still coming to terms with what has happened these last few years. 

More recently I have found everything seems to lead back to Lucas. 

> Our first family holiday to Mauritius - which was always planned with Lucas; 

>my return to work and pressures of organising childcare - is this how it would have been returning to work after Lucas? 

> Completely my first 5k run - which I did to rebuild my self confident and physical fitness from the scars and emptiness these last few years have left behind. 

I have found that the grieving process feels       different to how I felt after losing Lucas. The      grief at that time was purely focussed on him,   what he went through, what he would be missing out on, and lots of questioning 'why?'. Now, selfishly it has become about how this tragedy has        impacted  on me - and the daily reminders I  left to pick up and deal with. I have lost count how many times someone has asked if Joel is my first? Friends are now having their second child and.  it's a reminder that we have, and should have 2   children. I look at Joel and see the resemblance of siblings, and wonder what it might have been like for him to  have an older brother. Might it      have changed his personality?

I have found that I look at photos less frequently (though a constant photo remains as my screensaver) because it's too painful. At the time I didn't see the severity of the illness, though I watched it take hold. I could see at the time that the horrid beast was making my beautiful little boy more and more poorly and his everyday care becoming more and more intense but it became the norm and it was who Lucas had become, as he'd as it was to witness.  We knew that he was not going to get better so it was a case of facing up to new emerging symptoms poking their renched head and tackling them head on. We wasn't there to observe, debate or ponder but to react to make our little baby as comfortable as possible and limit the suffering he was having to endure. 

It's hard to describe the grieving process because there are so many angles to it, and everyone has a different experience. 

I wonder whether those days where it all feels too much and I need a cuddle from the hubby will dwindle over time or is it a case that it's because things are a first? Who knows, but what I do know is that the loss is never going away and it will be there forever. I suppose the point then is how you approach and deal with situations to focus on the positive rather than to always think about the 'what if's'.  Funnily enough, I randomly came across a YouTube clip today on the back of a party broadcast from a father that lost his son that described how to embrace happiness - his point being to not focus on the expectation from life but more on what you currently have, and if you can make others happy then you will naturally feel happier than before. 

So I will try this technique but who knows what the next chapters holds...only time will tell!