I've thought about you lots these last few weeks, especially the last few days. 

I am taken back to this the last year time spent at home, those last few weeks and the complete heartache and grief Daddy and I were feeling and having to cope with.

I am often stricken with disbelief by what we went through and question at times whether it actually happened at all. The pictures have us in them, the video footage clearly shows us parenting and cooing over a beautiful little boy but there is also a sense of distance. The pain in my heart still throbbing, aching, burning with sadness and sorrow - it will always be there. I feel scared the memories shared of your short time here will fade, anxious about the day I have to explain to Joel that he had a brother that died and how he might feel. Sad that my boys will never know each other and that I will forever have to explain your loss. Guilt when I say Joel is my first child to move the conversation on, or to make other people feel less arkward. 

I constantly wish this never happened. I wish the memories were better as not filled with sadness. I wish you were here, here with Daddy, me and Joel. 

Missing you and our cuddles.
Love you son.
Mummy xxx