Today was one of those days when you feel ready to do a few more things only to realise that it breaks you emotionally in the process. Today, I tidied the nursery. When I say tidy, I mean washed your little grows, those that you last wore that have sat in your wash basket.  They needed to be washed, it wasn't because I wanted to, it was because it was a reminder of those last few days which were a 'not so pretty' reminder. I wept at the thought of having to wash them, but knowing it was the right thing to do. I wept even more as I rubbed fabric conditioner in to the collar to remove the stains that had soaked deep in to the material. Even after washing my hands, that smell remained. That very distinct smell. That smell of the last few days.

I sorted out your paperwork, stumbling across your little red book, the letters when we first took you to the hospital for the fascal palsy and then the heartbreaking letters that followed documenting the diagnoses and letters/cards of condolence. I have saved everything. From the momentos from when you where first born; your wrist bands, umbilical cord, birth announcement, dummies to the cards/letters/gifts that were thoughtfully sent by people when you grew your angel wings....everything. 

It was hard, and yet more tears flowed. But, these were things that needed to be done and I felt better for having gathered some order to the accumulation of paper and objects we have obtained to start preparations for the arrival of your little brother. 

I felt bad tidying up your things as it there was an element of guilt that I was packing parts of you away. But that is not the case for I have made sure that there is plenty of little reminders of you around; pictures of 
you on the shelves, wall; your teddies displayed proudly in the new toy net that Daddy has put up, your lovely picture that Sarah and Steve brought you of an elephant with your name on finally up on the wall in the nursery for all to see. You see, it's important to us that you are and will continued to be remembered. Your existance was not a dream that can be forgotten, it was real, you were real and the memories still very real. 

You would have been 37 weeks old. Wow, where has the time gone. You would have been siting up, eating solids and growing new little teeth. I'm just so gutted that as your mummy I never got to teach you and experience these things with you, together. 

I'm always thinking about you, and wondering whether your little brother will be like you. Will he have a lot of hair like you? Will he have the same toes? I really can't wait to meet him, and tell him all about his big brother and the legacy you has achieved.

Lots of love my precious angel.
Sleep tight.
Mummy xxx