It’s felt like a marathon to get to this point after the ectopic last August which hit us with yet more emotional grief and trauma to contend with; whilst still grappling with the tragic loss of losing our first child, Lucas. Our second little boy, Joel has played a massive part in our recovery these last few years and kept us sane and still able to smile and enjoy the pleasures of life - he is such a beautiful little boy who brings so much happiness and love into ours and other peoples lives. 

Even now, feeling grateful and relieved that we have been able to create new life and expand our little family there remains a cloud of grief and sorrow hanging over us. I often wondered how long it will last and whether we should just except that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives, or if there will become a point in time unknown when that cloud disperses and becomes a light mist. 

It’s frustrating to feel that our life has been tarnished with such grief and pain that has left us with aching hearts and stained our ability to feel excited and dreamy about the future. 

There will always be that child missing from our family portrait along side their siblings, and that special place we regularly visit as the only means to get close to them which is but a wooden post stained with their name.

I want to be able to be that expecting mother that breaths excitement and beams brightly show casing her bump, but instead I find myself feeling anxious and protective wanting to hide the bump in fear that it will be taken away and I’ll have to face that dreaded conversation with people to explain that me and my child have been parted once again. 

I recognise that one should be open about how they’re feeling and not keep such emotions bottled up, as I truly believe it does help to mentally process any such trauma in ones life. I often speak about my feelings with my husband and friends but my conscious doesn’t want to be known as the ‘friend’ that is constantly talking about sorrow and the same emotions time and time again which I know can be draining to listen to. I want to regain the reputation for being that friend who is a laugh to be around, that can be relied upon to be a shoulder to cry on, or ears available to listen to problems and give independent advice. I am after all still me, or am I? 

I have no doubt that this new addition to our family will add even more sunshine into our lives. I am scared at the prospect that the memories I hold of Lucas will fade so it’s extremely important to me to regularly refresh my mementoes through photos and video footage of which are few given the time we had together. 

I often think about that conversation with Joel about his older brother and how to explain that unfortunately he was too special to keep without him feeling less special. I hope the fact that he is very much included as part of our family, his name regularly spoken that it will just become part of who we are, and Joel will instinctively learn about Lucas. I’m already thinking about that first trip to visit Lucas with his new little sister and how that will feel. Gazing on at another sibling without their older brother and the what ifs, which I try not to think about too much as I truly believe what is meant to be will be, and this is just how it was suppose to be as hard as it is to accept because my heart is still aching and broken from being separated from my baby and that will never mend.