I've cried a lot today.

I am missing you like crazy. I am trying to keep busy, meeting up with friends and trips to the gym but there is no escaping the heartache that I constantly feel. You are always in my mind. I've learnt about 'Holding your own emotions' whichis something that I came across recently which made perfect sense. Basically it's about recognising the emotions you are feeling and then choosing how to deal with them. Can I recognise mine, yes. Do I know how to deal with them, not sure. I understand what has happened and how I feel about it. A complete mix of emotions; I smile and feel elated when I think of your birth. Then there is the anger and sadness from having you taken away so soon, Will I ever accept it, no. Will I ever forget it, no. Your loss has left a deep wound. What I will have to do is learn to live with it and that is what I am now having and trying to come to terms with.  

The sketches for your memorial post arrived this evening which ended the day with yet more tears. The draft sketche are beautiful, exactly what we had asked for, and had in mind for you so it's now a matter of mummy and daddy making a final decision and getting it ordered. It's likely to take up to 6 months so we want to order it as soon as possible.

We continue to receive lovely messages from close and long distant friends which is really nice and helping us get through this difficult period. 

You would have been 15 weeks on Monday just gone, and it's now been 8 weeks since we were separated and already it seems like a life time ago. I wish I could hold you just once more and touch those gorgeous lips with mine. I can still visualise those luscious lips of yours and your big blue eyes that were always so inquisitive. I often use to wonder what you were thinking as you analysed your surroundings and those faces peering back at you. 

I frequently wonder what you would be doing now; laughing, smiling, rolling and how big and heavy you would be. Would you have been in your size 3 nappies? I was so proud when you grew out of your size 1 nappies as it showed that you were growing in to a big boy. I can now only imagine what you might be doing and the little boy, toddler you would be growing in to. 

Love you little bubba.
Mummy xxx